Does it ever literally hurt to see other people happy with what you want? Does someone else's happiness bring tears to your eyes? You love that person, you're happy that they're happy, but secretly, inside, it eats at you that they get to have it and you don't. These days, that happens to me more and more often. I am the single girl. Always have been, and it seems I always will be. But here recently, that womans' clock has begun ticking louder than ever, and everyday I long for a house and a mortgage, a husband, and a screaming, hollering, and ever so adorable child...or maybe two. I'm less than two years away from being thirty, and I've never had a "real" relationship....not one that I am willing to claim, at least. There are a couple of boys in my life right now, but that's just it...they're boys. I can't be married to a boy. I need to find a man. Those boys either want completely different things than I want or are in no way responsible enough to share that life with me....and that just won't do. The thing is...in all my almost thirty years, I've been fairly selective. If I've ever settled for someone that wasn't quite up to my standards, it was only for a short while. I've never committed to anything long-term with someone I couldn't really see myself with in the long-term. It's saved me from the nastiness of divorce that many couples face today, but it's left me empty and incomplete and nowhere near where that constant ticking says I should be. Some days I feel that I'm maybe too picky. Maybe I want more than I deserve. Maybe what I want is not out there. Maybe I've been given these false hopes from all the romantic movies and books out there, hopes for this impossibly romantic hunk of a man who will sweep me off my feet and set everything right that's been wrong for so long. But maybe I just haven't held out long enough. Try as I might at times to settle, there's always the lingering thought: "What if I commit to this person and someone better comes along?" I don't want to back out on that commitment just because of it. And I feel like I am cheating both of us if that's really my mindset in the beginning of a relationship. It's just not fair...to either of us. But what if noone better comes along? Then I've given up what could have been for just a pipe dream, and I am stuck in this same spot forever. I refuse to be an old maid, but I also refuse to settle for what I know isn't going to make me happy. Is there some happy medium that I need to find? If so, what is it? I hate feeling bitter seeing other people happy. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever known. | 
